To strive to be a poet

I started reading John Keats's letters again from its very beginning. I found his letters were full of beautiful words and also full of his affections for poetry and his freinds.

In his letter to Leigh Hunt on May 10, 1817 at Margate where he tried to concentrate himself on writing the Endymion. And he shared his struggle with his friend:

" I went to Isle of Wight. thought so much about poetry so long together, that I could not get to sleep at night."

" Another thing, I was too much in solitude and consquently was obliged to be in continual burning of thought, as an only resource."

"  I have asked myself so often why I should be a poet my self than other men, seeing how great a thing it is, - how great things are to be gained by it, what a thing to be in the mouth of fame, - that at last the idea has grown so monstrously beyond my seeming power of attainment, that the other day I nearly consented with myself to drop into a phaeton.  "

Then in the end of the letter, he again self mocked on to be the poet:

" Does Shelly go on telling strange stories of the deaths of kings? Tell him, there are strange stories of the deaths of poets. Some have died before they were conceived."

" Does Mrs S cut bread and butter as neatly as ever? Tell her to procure some fatal scissors, and cut the thread of life of all to-be-the desappointed poets."

" Does Mrs Hunt tear linen as straight as ever? Tell her to tear from the book of life all blank leaves."

John Keats is truely a very funny guy!! If I can has one third of his humour, life will have more laugh and fun. This is an aim I also strive for, learn to be more humourous towards life.

I can feel his struggle to be a poet to do great things. He had not much confident at the beginning. However, his strength is in his way of thinking, always think both ways, paradoxically.  On the same day, he wrote an other letter to Haydon to share about the problem of no money they both had. He wrote:

" However, I must think that difficulties nerve the Spirit of a Man - they make our Prime Objects a Refuge as well as a Passion."

He also shared with Haydon about his temperaament which often drove him to despair.

" You tell me never to despair - I wish it was as easy for me to observe the saying - truth is I have a horrid Morbidity of Temperament which has shown itself at intervals - it is I have no doubt the greatest Enemy and stumbling-block I have to fear - I may even say that it is likely to be the cause of my disappointment.  "

Then his strength of thinking paradoxically also saved him from sinking into the bottom or running himself to one dead end.

" However every ill has its share of good - this very bane would at any time enable me to look with an obstinate eye on the Devil Himslef - aye to be as proud of being the lowest of the human race as Alfred could be in being of the highest. I feel confident I should have been a rebel angel had the opportunity been  mine. "

From John Keats, who thought paradoxically and illustrated so much about it in his letters that I was being inspired to look into this way of thinking. And later, I will have some my own ideas about it.

I can feel John Keats's Passion on Poetry and his Idealism on devoting himself  to do great things - poetry.

" I know no one but you who can be fully sensible of the turmoil and anxiety, to sacrifice of all what is called comfort, the readiness to measure time by what is done and to die in six hours could plans be brought to conclusions - the looking upon the Sun, the Moon, the Stars, the Earth and its contents, as material to form greater things - that is to say ethereal things - but here I am talking like a Madman, - greater things than our Creator himself made !! "

In stead of talking about Haydon, indeed, he was talking about himself, his devotion to write poetry.
Life will not be empty and dull if I can have passion on doing something. And I can achieve something at the end which I can feel content and am proud of. In previous reading, I knew that John Keats believed that poetry should be a friend to sooth the cares, and lift the thoughts of man. I think the man who has this belief and put them into his letters and poetry do truely lift my thoughts.